October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness

If you know someone who has lost a baby just before or soon after birth, please take a moment to remember for them, to say a prayer, and maybe even send them a note to let them know you are thinking of them and their precious little one on this very special day. No matter how many years have gone by, reaching out in love will uplift a heart once broken. They may not know of Pregnancy and Infant Loss Remembrance Day and may be blessed to light a candle, pray, and reflect on the love they carry each and every day for their baby. Pass this message along.

Do you have a daughter? Watch this...

http://www.metacafe.com/w/849207

Ugly Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes! Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not their shoes. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But once you put them on, you can never take them off. I realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in the world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~author unknown~

This Womens Work-Kate Bush

Pray God you can cope. I stand outside this womans work, This womans world. Ooh, its hard on the man, Now his part is over. Now starts the craft of the father. I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I should be crying, but I just cant let it show. I should be hoping, but I cant stop thinking of all the things I shouldve said, That I never said. All the things we shouldve done, That we never did. All the things I should've given, But I didnt. Oh, darling, make it go, Make it go away. Give me these moments back. Give them back to me. Give me that little kiss. Give me your hand. (I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.) I should be crying, but I just cant let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking of all the things we should've said, That were never said. All the things we should've done, That we never did. All the things that you needed from me. All the things that you wanted for me. All the things that I should've given, But I didnt. Oh, darling, make it go away. Just make it go away now.

Haggard Children 'Mug Shots...'

Our Bear that represents

our baby Maddux

He was made out of one of Maddux's blankets.

Natalie Anne-2nd grade 'Mug Shot...'

Terror on two legs...

Do not know how she has kept this blonde hair so long,

coming from a family of burnettes...

She is always on the go...Never stops.

Such a sweet heart. Everybody who knows her loves her...

oh, yeah, she is almost as tall as Anna...

Chase's official 8th grade 'mug shot.'

I can't explain to you about the hair...

It's like a Samson Complex...

Last hair cut he got, the girl, (not my girl) chopped it.

He is now afraid of sissors...
Here is Anna's official 6th grade 'mug shot'.

I have to tell you, I think she is just beautiful!
Let me tell you about her personality...Sweet, gentle, ornery, mean.

All her teachers love her. She really is a good girl. With a kind heart...

Mike says she is just like me...

How could Mike and I create such beautiful children?

Infant Loss Awareness

My friend Rayna', and an affiliated photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.

Very Powerful Statement!

Help me raise funds for NILMDTS

click pictures for larger image
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I have never been good at asking for money. My children never do any fundraising for school or sporting events. Never go door to door selling magazines or wrapping paper. But what do you do when you believe so much in a cause, and you have to raise awareness, and you have to fundraise?

Last year I sent out awareness letters to alot of family and friends. Some donated, most didn't. I will still send out cards this year to the same family and friends. They may not donate, but I will continue to raise awareness. Here is a new approach I am taking. I am going to try to blog a fundraising request also. I know alot of people read blogs. Please take the time to read the message above, and if the mission of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep touches your heart, please consider donating to the foundation. Remember that all photographers are volunteer. They donate their time and services to these families. Please click HERE for online donations. Or you can send a check to:

The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation
7800 S. Elati St. #111
Littleton, CO 80120

All donations are tax deductible and you will be sent a receipt.
Thank you for reaching out.
Cheryl Haggard

CoFounder NILMDTS
When you do donate, please send me an email

so I can personally thank you.

cherhag@nilmdts.org

Finding My New Normal:

I found these quotes, don't know who started them, but I have taken the liberty of changing quite a few of them and adding new ones, to fit my needs personally.

Finding My New Normal

Normal for me is waking up every day, praying that this is all a bad dream.
Normal for me is going through my day, knowing that this is not what I had planned.
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile knowing that someone important is missing from all the important events in my family's life.
Normal is pulling out images of my older children, at the age Maddux would be now, and trying to imagine who he would look like and what he would be doing.
Normal is having new friends, that also share a similiar loss, because all of my 'old' friends have stopped calling, because they don' know what to say.
Normal is seeing a bouquet of beautiful flowers, and then when I smell their fragrance, I am reminded once again of Maddux's death.
Normal is feeling like I can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what ifs' and 'why's' go through my head constantly.
Normal is reliving the day Maddux died continuously through my eyes, mind and heart.
Normal is having those closest to me, tell me to 'get over it. Life is for the living.'
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, otherwise the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he would be Maddux's age and then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of my broken heart.
Normal is telling the story of Maddux's death as if it were an everyday common place event, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor Maddux's memory and his birthday and survive those days, trying to find the balloon or remembrance card that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really...
Normal is wondering who I am going to upset, because of his memory.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight or sound of something special that reminds me of Maddux.
Normal is having some people afraid to even mention Maddux's name in fear of upsetting me.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is that after Maddux's death, everyone else goes on with their lives but we continue to grieve his loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after his death, the grieving sometimes gets worse, not better.
Normal is having those closest to me, not understand that.
Normal is listening to people compare events in their life to your loss. Losing a parent or grandparent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. And, let's not talk about pets...
Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health and my family's survival depends on it.
Normal is realizing that I do cry everyday and it is ok.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone.
Normal is feeling a closeness and common bond with friends on the internet in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God. I know that Maddux is in Heaven, but hearing people try to make up excuses as to why babies are taken from their mothers is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to me.
Normal is being too tired to care if I paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether I am going to say I have three children or four. Yet when I say I have three children to avoid the situation of explaining his death, I feel horrible as if I have betrayed Maddux.
Normal is wondering if Maddux's grandparents say they have five grandchildren or six.
Normal is asking God why he took my child's life instead of mine?
Normal is feeling that only death can take away my pain.
Normal is knowing I will never get over Maddux's death. Not in a day, nor the rest of my life.
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for me to feel, so that everyone else around me will think I am "normal."
Normal to me is thinking that you think I am crazy or that I've 'lost it.'

My friend Sarah sent this to me. I wanted to share this:
"Cheryl.. someone sent this to me on a scrapbook page, and I thought of Maddux....~Sarah"

"When God wants something great done in this world, He doesn't dispatch a legion of avenging angels; Neither does He call forth a whirlwind nor ignite the fuse of volcanic fireworks; No commandeneering of troops into to battle nor discharging zealous crusaders to holy causes; He does not orchestrate the hurst and boom of thunder nor display His fiery arrows' majesty across the sky to bring His purpose to pass. When God wants something done in this world...He sends a baby and then...He waits.
- Anita Robertson

In Remembrance 9/11

We hang our flag today in Honor and Remembrance of those who lost their lives September 11, 2001. We also hang our flag today, to remind others that our country is still at war, and to thank those who have lost their lives and continue to risk their lives to protect ours. I personally want to say thank you to their families also. They too, have sacrificed much.

In Peace,

The Haggard Family

M...

I have a little memory box,

with beautiful things inside

to remind me of times past

when you were still alive.

My hopes and dreams are tucked

inside this little box

I pull them out for comfort

when my heart is feeling lost.

Cheryl Haggard

I wouldn't be...

I have a precious photograph
Classic and timeless in it's style
Of time spent with my baby,
who lives in Heaven now.
It shows a little boy,
who is loved so very much
Even death can't stop the feeling
of longing for his touch.

"You should be over it by now,"
you might think or say to me...
But still I have his photograph

Valued more than all the world's wealth.
I wouldn't be who I am without it.

Without it, I simply wouldn't be.

Cheryl Haggard

About Chase...

Mom had some homework this weekend...Had to write about my son Chase to his teachers.
I wanted to share this with you:

CHASE EMERSON HAGGARD

Chase was born in California October 22, 1993 to Michael and Cheryl Haggard. He was our first born. Chase has two younger sisters, Anna 11 and Natalie 7, and a younger brother, Maddux who was born in 2005 and died at the age of 6 days. Our family moved from Florida to Colorado in 2003. We wanted to make the move before Chase started middle school. He left many close friends in Florida, which he still sees every summer and spring break.

Our son Chase, truly has a beautiful soul. He has a good heart and is respectful to his elders and friends. He is very talented with a computer, loves to read and is an exceptional baseball player. We are encouraging him to learn Spanish, so he may speak it fluently one day and teach his mother.

Chase does enjoy school. Chase is a good student, and makes good grades. We both think that EMS is too easy for him. We don’t think that he applies himself 100%. We basically think he does enough to ‘get by,’ with A’s and B’s. He never seems to come home with any homework, telling us that he finished it all in school. We have never had a teacher complain about him or his work.

We believe Chase’s strong points in school are reading, and writing. He has an incredible and very active imagination. If we had to pick a weakness, maybe Science, but he has never expressed trouble or dislike with any subject. Chase is not shy about asking questions, but might not seek help if he has trouble understanding something, especially if it has already been taught and demonstrated. I think that this part of him would try to figure it out himself, instead of making himself look unfavorable in the eyes of a teacher.

We are very proud to have Chase as our son. He has never done anything to disappoint us or cause us heartache. Through his actions, we are judged as parents. As far as accomplishments, what can we say? He is 13 years old. We hope that one day the world sees us, through him.

Anna Banana

I am starting to take some of my film images and scan them to hard copy...

Here is one I ran across of my sweet Anna...How cute is she? She was just alittle over 2years and one month old in this photo...

Nat got a new hair-do...

From this...

to this...

Recruiting for a sister in law...

Greg.

Ok, had to add this picture for Jacquelyn.

She has the right to see the man I am trying to set her up with.

This is more her choice...

See how he loves his neices and nephew?

The Diva, Jacquelyn and the Princess...

(sounds like a book...)

This is Jacquelyn...She cuts, styles, and sometimes colors the Princess and the Diva's hair...

I am trying to recruit her as a sister in law... Really, seriously lets think about this. She LOVES my kids...She is incredibly nice and has a wonderful personality. She seems to love life, and I'm sure she knows how to have fun. I like her...So what more could a brother ask for?

Angel Love

Angel Love

We are connected, my child and I,

by an invisible love, not seen by the eye.

It's not like a love, that connects us 'til death do us part,

this love does it's work, right from the start.

I know that it's there, although no one can see,

this invisible love linked from my child to me.

The strength of this love is hard to describe,

it can't be destroyed, it can't be denied.

It's stronger than any love man could create.

It withstands the test of all time and can bear any weight.

Though you are gone and not here with me,

The love is still there, only I can see.

It pulls at my heart. I am bruised. I am sore.

But this love is my lifeline as never before.

I am thankful that God connected us this way.

A mother and her child...Noone can ever take that away

Don't tell me that you understand:

Don't tell me that you understand, don't tell me that you know.
Don't tell me that I will survive, how I will surely grow.
Don't tell me this is just a test, that I am truly blessed.
That I am chosen for the task, apart from all the rest.
Don't come to me for answers, that can only come from me.
Don't tell me how my grief will pass, that I will soon be free.
Don't stand in pious judgment of the bonds I must untie.
Don't tell me how to grieve, don't tell me when to cry.
My life is filled with selfishness, my pain is all I see.
But I need you and your love...Unconditionally.
Accept me in my ups and downs, I need someone to share.
Just hold my hand and let me cry, and say, "My friend, I care."
~Author Unknown~

Through the eyes of a child:

Just playing around and having some fun...

Dances with Wolves...I mean Elk.

Here are some wonderful beasts that frequent our front yard.

Not to fear, from past years I have learned NEVER to plant anything expensive in my yard. The Elk just eat it. So, now I only feed them weeds...