Monday, October 6, 2014

Day 6: Books

Day 6: Books
I would honestly have to say, the book that had the biggest impact in my healing was by Dawn Siegrist Waltman, titled 'In A Heartbeat.' Her quote, "In a heartbeat, a life is stilled, a dream dies and Heaven becomes amazingly real" had such an impact on me and my spiritual healing. I remember holding Maddux in my arms as his heart stopped beating, just praying that Heaven was real. I couldn't imagine never being able to see him again. And... reading her book and her quote, changed me forever. That is when Heaven became a destination, and not just a place to me. I actually googled her, found her phone number and called her and told her what an impact she had in my healing. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Day 5: Journal

Day5: Journal


My life has been an open book since Maddux died, and the creation of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I wanted other parents to know they were not alone. It was important for me to share my story with those who would listen, and I in turn asked other parents about their loss. One thing I had that they didn't? Beautiful photographs. I could see it in their eyes whe...n I showed them Maddux's image. I could see it in their tears when they said they wish they had a photograph of their baby.

I started journaling right after Maddux died on paper. I didn't want to forget a single thing. I am amazed now when I go back and read some of my entries and think "Oh my gosh...I forgot about that!" After awhile, I started online journaling through a blog and the NILMDTS forum. I would always print out what I typed, so I had a hard copy.

So today, when I got out my old journal, and started flipping through it, imagine my amazement when I found an entry written by my daughter Anna from 2010. Tears are in my eyes as I read her entry, and my entry previous to hers. Even now as I type this.

A journal is such a healing tool, and every parent I talk to, I suggest keeping one. A mind can be very forgetful, and protective.

Here is just a bit of what she wrote: "Dear Maddux, Today I stumbled across this journal while I was in the office. I've never in my life felt this much heartbreak for mom. I read the last entry and she was talking about how she wants to see you again and join you in Heaven. Me too..."

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Saturday, October 4, 2014

Day 4: Now


Day 4: Now
Who am I now? I am compassion. I am empathy. I am your shoulder to cry on. I am your ear when you need someone to listen. I am your voice, when you don't have one. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am still broken, but I am held together by all who are in my life. There will always be a part of me missing, and his name is Maddux.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 3: Before


Day 3: Before
Who was I before Maddux died? I can hardly remember. It seems like a lifetime ago. I remember being that person who took things for granted. I was thankful all my children were healthy, and used to joke that I could carry a baby like a champ. I was meant to be a mother. I had a few people in my life who had lost their babies, and I was thankful that I wasn't one of them. I felt sorry for them, but never understood the full realization... that their 'baby' had died. That they had lost a piece of themselves. I felt that by just knowing someone who had lost a child, was close enough to me, that I felt immune. I had it all, and I think that was all that mattered.
Then Maddux died, and I was blindsided. My world stopped. And I was in a dark place. How did this happen? I remember thinking if I couldn't be a mother to him, I didn't want to be a mother to anyone. I was broken.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Day 2: Heart

I remember so very clearly after Maddux died, I could not stop crying. I would go to sleep crying, and I would wake up crying. One place of refuge for me was the shower. I would turn the water on as hot as it would go, and just cry. I enjoyed the pain. The pain reminded me that I was still alive, when I felt so dead inside. This image was taken this am, in the shower.
I have done some editing to the image so you can see the darkness I sometimes feel
in my grief and pain.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Day 1: Sunrise

Day 1:  Sunrise
First time participating in this event hosted by CarlyMarie..  
This was taken in Evergreen, Colorado at 7:02am. #CAPTUREYOURGRIEF