Finding My New Normal:

I found these quotes, don't know who started them, but I have taken the liberty of changing quite a few of them and adding new ones, to fit my needs personally.

Finding My New Normal

Normal for me is waking up every day, praying that this is all a bad dream.
Normal for me is going through my day, knowing that this is not what I had planned.
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile knowing that someone important is missing from all the important events in my family's life.
Normal is pulling out images of my older children, at the age Maddux would be now, and trying to imagine who he would look like and what he would be doing.
Normal is having new friends, that also share a similiar loss, because all of my 'old' friends have stopped calling, because they don' know what to say.
Normal is seeing a bouquet of beautiful flowers, and then when I smell their fragrance, I am reminded once again of Maddux's death.
Normal is feeling like I can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what ifs' and 'why's' go through my head constantly.
Normal is reliving the day Maddux died continuously through my eyes, mind and heart.
Normal is having those closest to me, tell me to 'get over it. Life is for the living.'
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, otherwise the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he would be Maddux's age and then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of my broken heart.
Normal is telling the story of Maddux's death as if it were an everyday common place event, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor Maddux's memory and his birthday and survive those days, trying to find the balloon or remembrance card that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really...
Normal is wondering who I am going to upset, because of his memory.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight or sound of something special that reminds me of Maddux.
Normal is having some people afraid to even mention Maddux's name in fear of upsetting me.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is that after Maddux's death, everyone else goes on with their lives but we continue to grieve his loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after his death, the grieving sometimes gets worse, not better.
Normal is having those closest to me, not understand that.
Normal is listening to people compare events in their life to your loss. Losing a parent or grandparent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. And, let's not talk about pets...
Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health and my family's survival depends on it.
Normal is realizing that I do cry everyday and it is ok.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone.
Normal is feeling a closeness and common bond with friends on the internet in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God. I know that Maddux is in Heaven, but hearing people try to make up excuses as to why babies are taken from their mothers is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to me.
Normal is being too tired to care if I paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether I am going to say I have three children or four. Yet when I say I have three children to avoid the situation of explaining his death, I feel horrible as if I have betrayed Maddux.
Normal is wondering if Maddux's grandparents say they have five grandchildren or six.
Normal is asking God why he took my child's life instead of mine?
Normal is feeling that only death can take away my pain.
Normal is knowing I will never get over Maddux's death. Not in a day, nor the rest of my life.
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for me to feel, so that everyone else around me will think I am "normal."
Normal to me is thinking that you think I am crazy or that I've 'lost it.'