Friday, October 31, 2008


Got the drivers permit today. Mike took him for his first official drive...

My trick or treaters

Nat, Katie, Anna, Kylee and Jacob
Nat and Anna
Katie and Nat...She is an Olympic Gold Medalist...Nastia Luikin
Katie and Nat...
Had fun this year. First time in 6 years that it hasn't snowed on Halloween. Nat went as Nastia Luikin, the olympic gymnast. Tried to talk Anna into being Sean Johnson, but NOOOO!!! She would have no part of that. So, Wonder Woman it was...We went into Highlands Ranch to trick or treat with our friends the Haralsons. Ali had her famous home made tacos ready. There are alot of homes in their neighborhood, so the kids got a load of candy.
Chase stayed in Evergreen. Hung out with friends...he is 15. What are you going to do?

Thursday, October 30, 2008

The Velveteen Rabbit...

One of my favorite quotes:
I especially love the last paragraph, about becoming...As a bereaved parent, I can relate to this part, and refer become to healing...really to the 'new normal.' You become. You begin to heal... You become a different person through your grief, through your healing. The 'new' person that emerges... It doesn't happen all at once...

"What is REAL?" asked the Rabbit one day, when they were lying side by side near the nursery fender, before Nana came to tidy the room. "Does it mean having things that buzz inside you and a stick-out handle?"
"Real isn't how you are made," said the Skin Horse. "It's a thing that happens to you. When a child loves you for a long, long time, not just to play with, but REALLY loves you, then you become Real."
"Does it hurt?" asked the Rabbit.
"Sometimes," said the Skin Horse, for he was always truthful. "When you are Real you don't mind being hurt."
"Does it happen all at once, like being wound up," he asked, "or bit by bit?"
"It doesn't happen all at once," said the Skin Horse. "You become. It takes a long time. That's why it doesn't happen often to people who break easily, or have sharp edges, or who have to be carefully kept. Generally, by the time you are Real, most of your hair has been loved off, and your eyes drop out and you get loose in your joints and very shabby. But these things don't matter at all, because once you are Real you can't be ugly, except to people who don't understand."
I am real. I have become. I was broken by the death of a child, and I am now held together by beautiful memories, beautiful friends. By an undying love. I don't have sharp edges, and I don't have to be carefully kept. I am real! And I am only ugly to those who don't understand...

Friday, October 24, 2008

The birthday boy...

The girls had cheer on Chase's birthday, so it was just the two of us celebrating. I took Chase to a Vietnamese Restaurant in Evergreen called Saigon Landing. He has soft shelled crab and crispy duck. I stuck with pork and shrimp. I baked his favorite, homemade Carrot Cake...with extra frosting. Mike is still in Toronto, and will be home next week. We will have another celebration when he gets home. He is taking Chase to see Metallica. Mom wasn't invited...should I feel sad? Or glad?

Tuesday, October 21, 2008

15 years ago...

We were living in San Jose California. I had a full day of work at McDonnell Douglas. Came home, fixed spaghetti for dinner. Mike and I watched some TV. Took the weiner dogs for a walk. Then at 2:30am, my water broke. My first child was ready to be born into this world. Our world. Chase Emerson Haggard was born into my arms at 10:32 am. 8lbs 15ozs. 21 inches long.

How I have enjoyed this child in my life. How I have enjoyed watching him grow up. How I enjoy watching him become the man he is becoming. How I enjoy being his mom.

In two days he goes for his second driving class...How I do not enjoy this part...

Monday, October 20, 2008

Wednesday, October 15, 2008

Tuesday, October 14, 2008

Rookie Driver Website

A reader of my blog just sent me this link for teen drivers. I think it is a wonderful resource, and wanted to share it with you. One thing that was mentioned, and it rings so true...when you see a car that says student driver on the road, and a young person behind the wheel, you as a driver of the other vehicle, do you try to 'mess' with them? Not I. I try to stay as far away as possible. Where can I get a sign to put on my car, that says

'Please be courteous and respectful...
My teenage son is learning to drive.'

Monday, October 13, 2008

A walk through the Valley...

I was thinking about my post the other day, you know the one, where the lady commented on my necklace...something I said to her about a part of me dying with Maddux, really struck a chord with me, and I have been thinking about that sentence ever since...Then today I came across this verse: Yea though I walk through the Valley of the Shadow of Death... Damn! I recgonize that place! I have been there, I thought. Remember when I said that only MY death could take away my pain? The first memories I have of this valley, are horrible. Painful. Lonely. Heartbroken. Utter Dispair and Darkness. I have spent alot of time in this valley. Seriously...Summers, Falls, Winters, and Springs. Summer Vacations, Christmas', Birthdays (several), Spring Breaks, New Years Eves, Presidents Days, Columbus Days...I have been to Cheerleading Competitions and Baseball Games in this Valley...I have even hosted my children's Birthday Parties in this Valley...Hell, I have even gone to therapy in this Valley...(LOL) But in this valley I have also found something else. I found Faith. I found Hope. I found Strength. I found Healing. I found Peace. And something I never expected to find in this valley was friendship. Who would have thought you could find friendship in the Valley of the Shadow of Death? Have you ever been through this valley? I mean, really been there? Not just seen a picture, and said, Yeah, I know that place... Do you know someone right now who is walking through that valley? What can you do for them? How can you help them? In their darkness, in their need, be there for them, be a light. People in this valley, may not see the light right away, may not choose to see the light right away, but neverless, keep your light burning. One day when they can open their eyes again they will see your glow. They will follow that light...'For light does the darkness most fear..' I still choose to visit this valley somedays. It is a familiar place to me now. Sometimes a comforting place to me. Do I want to live in this valley? No...I don't even want a condo in this valley. But do I have friends that are living in this valley right now? Yes. All I can do is hope and pray that my light is shining bright.

Yea, though I walk through the valley of the shadow of death, I will fear no evil: for thou [art] with me; thy rod and thy staff they comfort me. Thou preparest a table before me in the presence of mine enemies: thou anointest my head with oil; my cup runneth over. Surely goodness and mercy shall follow me all the days of my life: and I will dwell in the house of the LORD for ever. Ps 23:4-6

My cup runneth over...oh, how I love those words.

Saturday, October 11, 2008

Teen driving awareness...

Chase took his first driving lesson today. I am now pursuing everything I can find regarding reckless and careless driving. Looking into SADD, MADD and others. I want Chase to have all the facts. I want him to see everything with open eyes to the dangers of driving. Not just his, but others as well. Got something that I/he can use, please contact me.

The first video is from the Kyle David Miller Foundation. A little 3 year old boy that was killed by a careless driver. Please visit this site, not only if you have small children in a booster seat, but also if you are a driver of ANY age. Know how you drive can affect the lives of so many others...Be careful on the roads.

Friday, October 10, 2008

I am a survivor, too...

So, I was wearing my Maddux necklace the other day, and a lady asked me about it. I told her that was my son, Maddux. He died three 1/2 years ago. I went on to explain about the month of October being Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month, and this was a way for me to honor him during this time...She politely nodded her head, like she understood, and then she opened her mouth. "Oh my God! I would just die if something happened to one of my children." "How did you ever survive?" Like I ever had a choice? How many times did I say I wished death would have taken me too? That only my death could ever stop my pain? That I have three other children at home, that needed a mother. How do I tell this to a stranger? Her question, for a moment made me feel like a failure. Like if I had been a good mother, I too would be dead. If we really loved our children, would we not die for them? Lay down our own lives?

Well, I stood there for a moment? Thought about her question. Then I opened my mouth. Yes, you heard me, I opened my mouth. I said, very politely, "I did die. My world was dark for such a long time. The person I was before my son does not exist anymore. Today, I stand before you, a new person, a stronger person, and a better mother. A person that can show empathy and compassion to a complete stranger." She looked at me, and I think she started to stutter out an apology. I stopped her and said "Please, no apology. You didn't say anything wrong, you said what you felt. Next time you meet a mother that has lost a child, and I am sure you will, just remember that a part of her did die. And that she is a survivor. A survivor of something there is no cure for, except that, of having her child back in her arms." Know what happened next?

She gave me a small hug, and whispered "Thank you..."

There is so much publicity about breast cancer awareness during the month of October, Pregnancy and Infant Loss gets swept under the rug. You all know what I mean and what I am saying. I want to scream at the top of my lungs "I AM A SURVIVOR!!!!" "MY BABY DIED, AND THERE IS NO CURE FOR THAT!!!" "WHAT ABOUT ME????" "WHERE IS MY AWARENESS, WHERE IS MY SUPPORT???" "HELLO, IS ANYBODY LISTENING?"

Thursday, October 9, 2008


This year, I continue to honor, not only my son Maddux, but all those tiny lives that have left us too soon. I will do this by continuing to reach out to newly bereaved parents and those parents who are not newly bereaved, but know all too well, that our wounds can open in an instant, and the pain and heartache is as fresh as the day our beloved child died. I will continue to be the best mom a child can have. The best wife that a husband could hope for. And a caring and productive human being.

Everyday I mourn the death of my son, but every day I am blessed by the fact that I knew him. That I was chosen to be him mommy. That he is MINE. MY SON! Today, I feel like am the luckiest mother in the world. And today, my world is a better place, because he was here.

My Special Purchase...

I ordered this necklace in September just for the month of October. This is another way I can honor Maddux. I wore this necklace at the MISS CONFERENCE and received alot of compliments. People notice Maddux's image, and they ask me about him. So, I just wanted to share this. If you are interested in purchasing one, contact Kimbra Studios type in NILMDTS in the coupon code. They will donate back to the Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation. Thanks for looking...

Wednesday, October 8, 2008

Kitchen Wrestling...

OMG...this was so funny. You know, like the Ultimate Fighting Championship aka UFC, only we have renamed it to the Kitchen Fighting Championship aka KFC (oh wait, that's chicken...) Chase is just about able to take down his daddy. I do think Mike had the upper hand, or butt, should I say...


Our nephew Sean will be off to Kuwait next month. He left San Diego to make his rounds to visit family before he leaves. Of course, his first stop was Denver. It was nice to see him again. He has really grown to be a remarkable man. Here are some pictures of him and Chase. Please say a prayer for him...thanks.