Monday, February 25, 2008

Let it go...

Thank you to my dear friend Wendy, for sending this to me. Thank you also for your ear, and your shoulder. You are a true friend.

Let it go T. D. Jakes
There are people who can walk away from you. And hear me when I tell you this! When people can walk away from you: let them walk. I don't want you to try to talk another person into staying with you, loving you, calling you, caring about you, coming to see you, staying attached to you. I mean hang up the phone. When people can walk away from you let them walk. Your destiny is never tied to anybody that left. People leave you because they are not joined to you. And if they are not joined to you, you can't make them stay. LET THEM GO!And it doesn't mean that they are a bad person it just means that their part in the story is over.

The Flu Bug:

This bug has been running through my family. First with Anna, then Chase, now me. I swear...I even got the flu shot...and I still got this nasty little bugger...I think that if you get the flu, after getting your shot, you should be reimbursed your $25.00
The girls had state competition yesterday. There I was, sitting for 7 hours with a fever, chills and nasty cough. Got home last night, and was basically delerious...

Mike and I are leaving town tomorrow for Las Vegas with our friends Ali and Tony...I have started a round of antibiotics...and that stuff to get rid of the mucus guy...(You know the commercials...) He has taken up residence in my body...yuck!!!

And the bummer is, we NEVER get sick. Last time I was sick like this was in September 2005. I had the worst case of the flu that I have ever had...

Saturday, February 23, 2008

Music to my blog:

If you haven't already noticed, I have added some music to my blog. Some of the songs might be a blast from the past for you...they remind me of when I first met Mike. (we used to dance to Information Society, Pure Energy-and let me tell you, Mike can dance...)Other songs are more recent, relating to Maddux. One song, especially, that I listened to after his death...Just as loud as I could in the car-of course with out kids, called My Immortal by Evanescence -The Live in Paris version...I have recently fell in love with the song my Michelle Featherstone called Sweet Baby...Brings tears to my eyes...Other songs, are just some of my all time favorites...I also like the song from the Pearl Harbor soundtrack. And, boy o' boy, the message from the Black Eyed Peas, 'Where is the Love...'I wonder that ALL the time. Our world is totally messed up...I have alot of songs from the Movie, Love Actually...One of our favorites. Mike is ALWAYS traveling, and the end scene in the airport, with people meeting their loved ones, touches my heart every time. I have my list set to shuffle, so hopefully when you visit again, there will be a new song playing....
Thanks again for visiting.

The internet...what an incredible tool!

On a side note: Chase is really into music. Alot of metal...But, I would NEVER subject you, the listener to it...And Anna...totally opposite from Chase. She is more into the 'shake your booty' tunes...My Natalie? Hannah Montana-all the way...and some of Anna's booty shaking tunes...

Friday, February 22, 2008

New Blog Colors

Are you wondering about my new choice of colors for my blog?Here is my answer. I live in Colorado. I am not a big football fan, but I do like the Broncos and their colors. They are orange and blue. Then, a few years back we saw Kentucky Elite perform at a National Cheer Competition. They were amazing! Well, guess what colors they are?Yep, Orange and Blue... A few years ago when we were with our old cheer team, I tried to talk them into be called Colorado Elite Cheer with the colors of orange and blue, but nobody listened to me. Now there is a team with that name, and I think they are purple and black?????Oh, well...We are happy where we are, now.

We also have a 72 Chevrolet K2 Blazer that is, you guessed it. Bronco Orange. We call it the Beast...Love driving this in the summer. It is a death trap, though.

My favorite shirt is my vintage Orange Crush shirt. You can see it to the left...I mean right...My other left...

Newsweek Article-Love, Loss and Love

Just got done reading this arcicle on Love, Loss - and Love. This article talks about families that have lost a young child, and decided to try again for another child. One passage really stuck out in my mind. "The most profound attachment in human life is mother and child," says John Golenski, executive director of the George Mark Children's House, a residential facility in San Leandro, Calif., for kids with terminal illnesses and their families. "The best adaptation to [the loss of a child] is another attachment." I am alittle confused by the comment "The best adaptation to the loss of a child is another attachment." So if I am reading this right, in my words, he says: The best way to 'get over' the loss of a child is to have another child...?
I do believe that another child can bring the family alot of healing. (Not as a replacement, but as an addition) But what about the family that can't have any more children, or the family that has suffered numerous losses in a row?
The day after Maddux died, Mike and I were laying in bed, and all our children came into snuggle with us...Anna asked if we could have another baby...Mike said 'maybe...' (I had my tubes tied during my c-section) He knew we couldn't have more children. I was hopeful at his words, and at the same time, heartbroken. He was telling Anna something to make her feel better.
Several of my friends have gone on to have more children, after their loss. While I am so happy for them and their happiness, I still feel so heartbroken, honestly for myself. That I will never be able to hold another newborn of my own. I can't be around a mom and new baby. The pain is still so raw and so deep. Even now, three years after Maddux's death. I feel sad, that Natalie will never have the chance to be 'the big sister...' I see how Natalie interacts with younger children, and let me tell you, she would have been the BEST!
Then there are those who say, "Be grateful for what you have..." Hello? I am extremely grateful. There is not a day that goes by, that I don't give thanks...I am extremely blessed. But that doesn't mean I can't hurt...or that I can't feel that longing...

Thursday, February 21, 2008

Another Pencil Portrait

The picture above (in the header of thie blog) of our family was taken by a nurse in the hospital. This is the only image of ALL of us together. The picture is awful. Similiar to the one below. One of the NILMDTS photographers took the image and soft touched it in a sepia tone, but Tasha took it to the pencil mode. I love it. I have decided to use it as our header.I loved this image of Natalie and Maddux together. Can see the emotion in her face, and feel the emotion in her touch? Did I ever use this image? No. Why? Original Image: The lighting is blown out, and the image is blurry. This was taken by the nurse with my camera. Here is the image, that has been 'penciled,' again thanks to Tasha Nichols. Same emotions. Same feelings. She will cherish this image when she grows up.

Family Watch Dog

When you visit this site you can enter your address and a map will pop up with your house as the small icon of a house and red, blue, green, dots surrounding your entire neighborhood. When you click on these dots a picture of a person will appear with an address and the description of the crime he or she had committed. The best thing is that you can show your children pictures and see how close these people live to your home or school. This site was developed by John Walsh from Americas Most Wanted. Another tool to help us keep our kids safe. Please pass this on.

"Cheryl, Just read your blog this morning. Went to the link for Family watch dog...
For kicks and giggles I put in our address and clicked on some dots that looked close to our address, but they were in different neighborhoods, and thought thank god. Then I saw a little yellow dot that looked like it could be in our neighborhood. Excuse my language, But xxxx xxxx!!!!! The people who just moved in across the street from us about 3-4 month ago. Not 30 yards away... Someone in the house has been convicted of ASSAULT TO COMMIT RAPE!
Thank you so much for putting that link on your blog. With Kaley being 16, and I'm not being a proud parent, but she's a very fit and attractive girl, I feel safer knowing that I can tell her, and that she needs to be super careful when she comes home at night from work. It also creeps me out knowing this. I suddenly feel super unsafe. I feel like someone should have warned me about this. We aren't the only ones in this general area, block with young girls/women. I feel violated already.
So thank you again for posting that site. You may have just saved us a lot of heart ache~Scott."

Wednesday, February 20, 2008

Pencil Portraits

Thank you to my friend, Tasha Nichols, of Simply Yours Creations, for this pencil portrait of Maddux. It is beautiful, isn't it?

Tuesday, February 19, 2008

Another quote:

If a child lives with criticism,
he learns to condemn.
If a child lives with hostility,
he learns to fight.
If a child lives with ridicule,
he learns to be shy.
If a child lives with shame,
he learns to feel guilty.
If a child lives with tolerance,
he learns to be patient.
If a child lives with encouragement,
he learns confidence.
If a child lives with praise,
he learns to appreciate.
If a child lives with fairness,
he learns justice.
If a child lives with security,
he learns to have faith.
If a child lives with approval,
he learns to like himself.
If a child lives with acceptance and
He learns to find love in the world.
--Author Unknown

Monday, February 18, 2008


'Those who touch our lives, stay in our hearts forever...'

Once again, we have passed the anniversary of Maddux's birth, and once again, my father and my brother, choose not to remember him. Why? When they both know how much this simple gesture would mean to me? How much healing, it would bring to my heart. Why my older children question me, as to why they don't remember? I thought that his anniversary would be an open door to start relationships again. This would be the year...I was foolish. I had hope...Do I continue to hope, and get hurt? Or just learn not to expect anything? And have no hope? I know I haven't been the perfect daughter, or sister...but do they think they have been the perfect father or brother? This quote simply touches my heart. It makes me think of my son, Maddux. He has touched my life and will stay in my heart forever. Maybe, Maddux didn't touch they're lives...His life has touched so many. Do they not see that? I sometimes feel so foolish...Here I am, a co founder of this incredible organization, and some of my family chooses not to remember. How then, can I convince others to remember? And then I realize, others do remember. I received so many cards and emails, from family and friends, even complete strangers. Other moms email me, telling me about the support they have received, because of NILMDTS. I know that my father and brother do remember. So what is it that stops them from reaching out to me and my family? Guilt? Selfishness? Pride? Do you both realize how much you are missing? My heart aches for you, and I truly feel sorry, for you...

Mike and I saw the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin on one of our first dates. I watched this movie again today, and by doing so, it brought me back to that night...I remember thinking at the end of the movie, when one of the moms is giving birth, how all the family was in the waiting room waiting for news of her safe delivery, the camera shows the very elderly grandmother and all of the families interacting together. All the generations...I have never had this closeness with my family, and it really does truly sadden me. I will try with all of my being to have this relationship with my children. I want to be that elderly grandmother, waiting in the hospital waiting room for my great, great grandchild...As a parent, how could you not, try?

There is also another quote: MY DEAR CHILD You are the poem I dreamed of writing, the masterpiece I longed to paint. You are the shining star I reached for In my ever hopeful quest for life fulfilled...You are my child. Now with all things I am blessed.- Author Unknown
All of my children are this poem and masterpiece...How I wish, I was somebody's masterpiece...

So, as I sit here tonight, I think about my life, my past, my present and my future. I think about my husband, our past, our present and our future. How in love I am with him...He returned from a 5 week trip to Australia alittle over a week ago, and flew to Dallas this am for a night. How lonely I am without him. (This next line will sound corny) But how he completes me...(and NO, I have not watched Jerry McGuire lately...) I think of Chase, Anna, Natalie and Maddux...Their lives. I try to remember every little detail about their births and earlier childhood. I flip throught their photo albums, surprised about how much I have forgotten...I think about their future. I question myself as a mother...Have I done a good job, AM I doing a good job? Is it the relationship that I have with my parents, that makes me doubt my relationships with my children? What will our adult relationships be like? I think you learn from your past. Maybe I have the relationship I have with my parents, to show me the kind of relationship I don't want to have with my children. I love my children, more than life itself...They truly are the joys of my life. Life isn't perfect, nor are people. I have never said I was perfect or had the perfect relationships...But I can and have learned from the ones I have...
Sometimes a thought or a memory can take me straight back to my childhood. To the hurt, anger and resentments. I am learing now, how to let go. Now, I don't feel this pain, I just feel sad. Not sympathy or empathy, just sad...Sad that a parent would not cherish their child's childhood. Sad that a parent would let go of their child. That is something I will NEVER be able to understand.
There is a passage from the book: The Purpose Driven Life, day 2...It says " God made you for a reason. He also decided when you would be born and how long you would live. God also planned where you'd be born, and where you'd live for his purpose. Most amazing, God decided how you would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or who your parents are, God had a plan in creating you. It doesn't matter whether your parents were good, bad or indifferent. God knew that those two individuals possessed exactly the right genetic makeup to create the custom 'you' he had in mind. They had the DNA God wanted to make you."
My relationship with my mother hasn't been perfect, we both know that. But you know what? We are both trying. And the simple act of trying, speaks both our hearts.

Tuesday, February 5, 2008


Thank you to my friend Jennifer for sending this to me...
'Run your fingers through my soul.
For once, Just once,
Feel exactly what I feel,
Believe what I believe,
Perceive as I perceive,
And for once; Just once,

Monday, February 4, 2008

Maddux's Third Heavenly Birthday

Dear God,

Please help them remember
That today is a special day.
Please help them to understand
that our memories of Maddux, simply don't go away.
Please bless them with eyes to see, and hearts that care.
Please help them to listen while I share.
Lord, help them see beyond my smile and my tears.
Help them to remember, how I wish my child were here.
Please Lord, never let them know my pain.
Open their eyes and show them how my child's life was not in vain.
Please help them to understand, that I still celebrate the birth of my son,
and that the love I have for him will never be replaced or gone.
Please God, just let one remember...
That this is a very special day...
Help them to remember....
Today is Maddux's 3rd Heavenly Birthday.

Who is missing in this picture?

Do you know who is missing?
Are your eyes open?
Chase on his 3rd birthday-1996
Anna on her 3rd birthday-1999
Natalie on her 3rd birthday-2003

Maddux's 3rd Heavenly Birthday -2008
Can you even begin to understand the void I feel in my heart?
Can you comprehend the love, that I have for ALL of my children?
I will never forget.