Thoughts...

'Those who touch our lives, stay in our hearts forever...'

Once again, we have passed the anniversary of Maddux's birth, and once again, my father and my brother, choose not to remember him. Why? When they both know how much this simple gesture would mean to me? How much healing, it would bring to my heart. Why my older children question me, as to why they don't remember? I thought that his anniversary would be an open door to start relationships again. This would be the year...I was foolish. I had hope...Do I continue to hope, and get hurt? Or just learn not to expect anything? And have no hope? I know I haven't been the perfect daughter, or sister...but do they think they have been the perfect father or brother? This quote simply touches my heart. It makes me think of my son, Maddux. He has touched my life and will stay in my heart forever. Maybe, Maddux didn't touch they're lives...His life has touched so many. Do they not see that? I sometimes feel so foolish...Here I am, a co founder of this incredible organization, and some of my family chooses not to remember. How then, can I convince others to remember? And then I realize, others do remember. I received so many cards and emails, from family and friends, even complete strangers. Other moms email me, telling me about the support they have received, because of NILMDTS. I know that my father and brother do remember. So what is it that stops them from reaching out to me and my family? Guilt? Selfishness? Pride? Do you both realize how much you are missing? My heart aches for you, and I truly feel sorry, for you...

Mike and I saw the movie Parenthood with Steve Martin on one of our first dates. I watched this movie again today, and by doing so, it brought me back to that night...I remember thinking at the end of the movie, when one of the moms is giving birth, how all the family was in the waiting room waiting for news of her safe delivery, the camera shows the very elderly grandmother and all of the families interacting together. All the generations...I have never had this closeness with my family, and it really does truly sadden me. I will try with all of my being to have this relationship with my children. I want to be that elderly grandmother, waiting in the hospital waiting room for my great, great grandchild...As a parent, how could you not, try?

There is also another quote: MY DEAR CHILD You are the poem I dreamed of writing, the masterpiece I longed to paint. You are the shining star I reached for In my ever hopeful quest for life fulfilled...You are my child. Now with all things I am blessed.- Author Unknown
All of my children are this poem and masterpiece...How I wish, I was somebody's masterpiece...

So, as I sit here tonight, I think about my life, my past, my present and my future. I think about my husband, our past, our present and our future. How in love I am with him...He returned from a 5 week trip to Australia alittle over a week ago, and flew to Dallas this am for a night. How lonely I am without him. (This next line will sound corny) But how he completes me...(and NO, I have not watched Jerry McGuire lately...) I think of Chase, Anna, Natalie and Maddux...Their lives. I try to remember every little detail about their births and earlier childhood. I flip throught their photo albums, surprised about how much I have forgotten...I think about their future. I question myself as a mother...Have I done a good job, AM I doing a good job? Is it the relationship that I have with my parents, that makes me doubt my relationships with my children? What will our adult relationships be like? I think you learn from your past. Maybe I have the relationship I have with my parents, to show me the kind of relationship I don't want to have with my children. I love my children, more than life itself...They truly are the joys of my life. Life isn't perfect, nor are people. I have never said I was perfect or had the perfect relationships...But I can and have learned from the ones I have...

Sometimes a thought or a memory can take me straight back to my childhood. To the hurt, anger and resentments. I am learing now, how to let go. Now, I don't feel this pain, I just feel sad. Not sympathy or empathy, just sad...Sad that a parent would not cherish their child's childhood. Sad that a parent would let go of their child. That is something I will NEVER be able to understand.

There is a passage from the book: The Purpose Driven Life, day 2...It says " God made you for a reason. He also decided when you would be born and how long you would live. God also planned where you'd be born, and where you'd live for his purpose. Most amazing, God decided how you would be born. Regardless of the circumstances of your birth or who your parents are, God had a plan in creating you. It doesn't matter whether your parents were good, bad or indifferent. God knew that those two individuals possessed exactly the right genetic makeup to create the custom 'you' he had in mind. They had the DNA God wanted to make you."

My relationship with my mother hasn't been perfect, we both know that. But you know what? We are both trying. And the simple act of trying, speaks volumes...to both our hearts.