I don't cook very often...

But when I do...yummy...Mike always jabs at me because I never cook (I told him to put a stove top in my car...maybe I would have the chance to cook more...) So I wanted to take a picture and date it, so next time he's jabbing me, I can pull this up, and say: "But Dear, I just cooked you a full meal...not too long ago. "

Anna and Natalie had a filet...

Anna did a sweet potato with grilled asparagas and red peppers,

and Nat a regular potato with all the fixings...

Mom and dad had a NY Strip, with grilled asparagas, potato and a portebello mushroom...
Dad and Anna enjoying...

Tonights meal is baby back ribs, baked beans, corn on the cob, macaroni salad and sweet rolls. Brownies for dessert...

Beautiful colors...

Colorado has got to be the most beautiful place on earth. I swear. To walk out your back door, and see this painted in the sky...

Thank you Linda...

When the girls and I were at Linda's home meeting baby Mason for the first time, she had made brownies in her Pampered Chef stone. I LOVE these stones. I commented on her cookie sheet, and said, "I'm going to have to get that one. I have the deep rectangular one, the round pizza stone, pie shell stone and a larger deep dish round one.
Guess what came in the mail for my birthday? Yep...Thank you again Linda. I will use this one lots and lots...

(with my speeding ticket, and now my cookie sheet, doesn't it look like I should be a gameshow product bimbo...)

Guess...

who got a speeding ticket today? And then guess who isn't very happy? 42 in a 25! I can't remember the last time I got a ticket...For those of you who drive with me often, I know, you are wondering 'how can that be...?' I do have a lead foot...Oh, and to make matters worse...Chase was with me...He said..."Don't worry about it mom... One ticket in 14 years ain't bad. I will probably be getting alot of those..." Yeah...As if!

Thoughts...AND the turmoil of change...

I am sitting here today doing some work with NILMDTS and thinking about my children. One thing that has hit close to home with me is my son Chase. Chase will be 15 in October. This year Mike and I have decided put him in a new highschool (D'EVELYN) down the hill. I have tried to lottery Chase in this school for the past two years, and finally this year, his number was called. And because his number was called, Anna is sibling priority. So she has started 7th grade at D'Evelyn also. (she is doing great) This school was ranked number one last year for their ACT tests...Is Chase struggling? Yes, he is. Not scholastically, but socially. He misses his friends. I have told him that he will make new friends, while keeping his old friends. His education is so important to Mike and myself. This is the one gift we can give him. We care about his education. We want to give him the best we can. This is a gift that can't be thrown away. Does Chase understand this? No, honestly he doesn't. Is life getting better for him? Yes it is. Will he look back one day, and say, 'Thanks Mom and Dad for the gift of education?' God, I hope so! LOL! Last night he bet me $10.00 that he wouldn't. I told him in four years, I would take that bet! And his money, with interest!

http://www.usnews.com/articles/education/high-schools/2007/11/29/gold-medal-schools.html US NEWs ranked D'Evelyn highschool number 62 in the US!

http://www.tonymassey.com/what-are-the-best-schools-in-colorado

Parker Colorado Tornado...

I had to post this image here. This photograph was taken by a NILMDTS Affiliated Photographer, Tommy Han. Yesterday in Parker Colorado, this tornado actually touched down. Fortunately, nobody was injured. How cool is this photograph? Tommy, you are crazy...

By the way...

I am a McCain Fan...

Here we go...

I am so glad that I live nowhere close to Downtown Denver or the airport...

Words from a bereaved mommy, Beth Kumar...

My hat is off to Beth for the emotion and power of her words. Don't underestimate a bereaved mom. Don't underestimate our feelings. And NEVER underestimate the love we have for our child...So much of what she writes, I feel everyday. I will never be able to experience another pregnancy, and I mourn that also. Probably something you never thought about...

From Beth:
I'm posting this here because I think this is something I would love to say to some people in my life, and probably wont have the guts. Perhaps someone will read it and be able do deal with a still grieving parent. I know hate is a strong word; I do not hate the people in my life that are treating me this way. I love them, which is why it hurts even more - why their actions and words are that much more hateful to me.

I am NOT over it. I still hurt. I'm sometimes still angry. I still miss her ever day. I still cry. I still ache. I still yearn. I still dream. I still wish for her back. I AM STILL HER MOTHER. I still mourn and grieve. I hate that you assume that she's out of my mind just because another baby is in my body. I hate that you assume I have moved on. I hate that you think I've "recovered" from my loss. I hate that you have stopped acknowledging her because there's a "new" one on the way. While I can look forward to another baby, I will ALWAYS have a hole in my heart, my life, where Kavya should have been. Another baby cannot fill that hole - don't assume it; I don't expect it...I don't WANT her or him to fill that hole. This baby is new to me; it does nothing to erase the pain of missing my Kavya. I might be able to better handle my grief, to hide it better, to understand it better, to live with it...but it is still there. It will never leave me, no matter how many children I have to love in my arms, there will always be one that I hold and love in my heart. She will never be in my past. She is now and always will be because my love did not die with her - my LOVE will always be "now". I truly believe that the more people you have to love, the greater your capacity to love. I can mourn and love my Kavya and celebrate my new baby simultaneously. This one does not exclude or erase the one that came before - my precious Kavya. I hate that you think it or for even thinking I do...

Anna wants to go to France and Italy...

By HERSELF, with her French Class! In June of 2009! Can you believe that? She is going to HAVE to find a man that makes a good (great) living when she grows up. Mike is always telling her that it is just as easy to love a man with money, as it is to love a man without money.

To Gardasil or Not To Gardasil?

My friend Gina just forwarded me this link: http://www.usnews.com/blogs/on-women/2008/7/2/is-hpv-vaccine-to-blame-for-a-teens-paralysis.html

Funny, this is sent to me today, because I have three doses of this sitting in my refrigerator, for my 12 year old daughter. I had just been thinking about this today. Do I give it to her or not? I had these same questions about 13 years ago when they came out with the chickenpox vaccine. Do I give this to Chase and Anna, or not. I choose NOT to. They both came down with the pox, and both did fine. No complications, no scars. When Natalie started preschool in Colorado, what, 4 years ago, the chickenpox vaccine was required to get in. By this time, with my research, I did deem this vaccine safe for her. No complications. I understand she will need a booster when she is older.

But this Gardasil? I really have to question this...At this time, I have decided that I will NOT vaccinate my daughter with this.

NILMDTS mentioned in a book...

My friend Mary, from Kansas City, emailed me this morning telling me about the book she was reading: "I was reading last night and they talked about Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep in the book. I was so proud of you when I read it, I started to cry:) happy tears...a baby is born with hydrocephaly and is fading and they give the family a business card of one of the photographers to call and they talk about the wonderful gift of memories the organization gives. It was great. In the back of the book they give the website and encourage readers to visit it."

I mean, seriously, how cool is that? I had no clue. Buy the book!

MISS Conference-Phoenix Arizona-September 25th~28th

I will be speaking at the MISS Foundation Conference in Phoenix Arizona, September 25th-28th. If you are a bereaved parent, I urge you to attend this conference. If you are a NILMDTS family, and would like to volunteer at the NILMDTS Display Booth, please contact me. I attended this conference in 2006, and truly walked away with my eyes opened. I would like to share with you something I wrote after the conference:

June 20th, 2006

"I attended the MISS Foundation conference in Phoenix Arizona this past week. This conference was attended by a wide range of people. Professionals, medical personnel and parents. Not just parents that have experienced the death of an infant, but parents that have experienced the death of a child at all ages. My original thought and plan was to be there to only display the information of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. I had not planned on attending any of the sessions. But I did end up attending several sessions and listening to a few of the various speakers and presenters.

My last session was with Hawk and Kara Jones, parents to Dakota and founders of KotaPress. Their session was called Poetry Slam. I thought this would be ‘fun.’ They gave us ten various words and twenty minutes to come up with a piece of poetry. It was harder than I thought. Towards the end of the session, we broke up into two separate groups. Again ten words. As a group we had to compile a poem using those words. We decided that each of us would take a word, and build our own sentence. We decided that there would be no main topic. Some of the words I remember were ZEAL, PRESCRIPTION, RED, DREAM…, Each person started writing.When we finished we were asked to read our poem. We went around our group, starting with the person that had the first word, and started reading our sentences. The end result was amazing. The pain, anger, heartache and despair over the death of a child.

Then there was the Memorial Service. There were tables set up where parents could set up a memorial to their child. I did not bring anything personal of Maddux’s. (remember I wasn’t there as a bereaved parent.) I asked the security man to let me in the exibit room, so I could get into some of NILMDTS’s display items. I took the image of Mike, Maddux and myself out of the photo album, and exchanged it with the image we had in a frame that we were using as part of our display. I then took ‘our’ photograph and placed it among all the other babies and childrens memorials that each parent so carefully and proudly had displayed. Seeing all of the childrens names largly displayed on the screen, one by one was so emotionally overwhelming. Then we all lit a candle in the 'memory' of our children. We all had the opportunity to get up, and as we lit our candle, say who we were lightening it for. We were all bonded together in that room. Bonded by the deaths of our children.

My point to this is: I attended a conference for bereaved parents. I didn’t think of myself as going as a bereaved parent. I went as a person who thought I could take away a bereaved parents heartache and grief. I can’t do that. None of us can. I will always be a mommy to a dead baby. My title will never change. Some people will look at me and instantly know this title, some will not. I now understand and accept this. But, how life sure has changed. I now have wonderful friends, that also carry the same title...Mommy to a dead baby. I have lost, what I thought were wonderful friends, that don't share this title. People that I thought would be friends forever. When you have the title of 'Mommy to a dead baby' people tend to shy away from you. The best way to describe this is like having an incureable, 'deadly' disease. And if they get too close, they can catch this disease. And they don't want to catch what we have. And it is so much easier to forget about our dead babies, than it is to remember them. I think I have pushed aside so much of my personal pain and heartache. So much so, that I felt distanced from the parents that I spoke with. Sure, I remember my pain. Pain so deep. A wound so open and raw. A pain that I thought only death (my death)could take away. Yes, I remember my heartache. Feeling like my heart had literally been torn from my chest. Shredded into pieces. Thrown violently on the ground. Stomped on. And then just left there lying. Lying all alone. Left for my empty, aching arms to somehow find the strength and the courage to find all the pieces and pick them up. But you know what? I can't find one piece. ONE LITTLE MISSING PIECE. No matter how hard I look, no matter how long I search, there will always be just that one little piece missing. And because of that one little missing piece, my heart will never be whole again. That little piece has a name. Maddux. All our our little missing pieces have names.

I am sitting here, writing this, completely and totally exhausted. Physically and Mentally. I had a beautiful break down on the plane coming home on Sunday. Sitting in my seat, hugging my Pooh bear, tears streaming down my face. Nobody asked me if I was ok. Alot of people saw me crying. They just looked the other way. I am sure, nobody knew my title 'Mommy of a dead baby' on that plane. It is just amazing how people deal with grief in our society. Much easier to stay away, than to get involved. So soon after Maddux's death, people asked me how I was doing? I said ok. Then on the outside, it looked like I was really doing ok. I am finding it really hard to go back in my grief. You all have heard that saying ' One step forward, two steps back.'I was pushing so many steps forward on the outside, not really realizing that inside, I was falling behind. And now, those around me, don't understand my behavior. They thought I was 'over' Maddux. Those around us will never know our heartache. Only those around us that have lost children. And even then, I know my personal pain, grief and heartache. I know the depths of it. I know the feeling of not being able to breathe, but to imagine another parents pain and heartache is simply unimaginable!I have never personally attended any bereaved parents group. Nor have I wanted to. I missed out on alot. I already have plans to attend a bereaved parents support group. It is so important to find any type of parent support in your area. It is important to find others that share with you, similiar heartache.

Here with NILMDTS we are trying to build that network. And we are off to a wonderful start. It is also important for me to write about the photographs I have of my son. These are the beautiful memories I have left of Maddux. The time we shared together. Capturing these memories in photographs are so important to a parent. As a parent of a child, living or dead, what is the one thing you share with others when you talk about your child, and they are not physically with you at the time? It is a photograph."

So, I must say thank you to Dr. Joanne Cacciatore. She is the founder of the MISS Foundation. She is truly an inspiration. Thank you Joanne...
C

Bringing you a piece of Colorado History...

Colorado's Mount Lindo Cross

The mountain had been used in the past by Native Americans as a watch point and signal station. In the 1930s, George Olinger, Sr., founder of the Olinger Mortuary, acquired the mountain and named it "Monte Lindo," for "beautiful mountain." Gradually, the mountain became known as Mount Lindo. Olinger planned a subdivision for the mountain and it had limited success. In the 1950s, Olinger sold the mountain to Francis S. Vanderbur. Once when Vanderbur was visiting the mountain with his father, Francis C. Vanderbur, the elder remarked to his son, "I'd like to be entombed up here, and I want a cross to mark the spot." A mausoleum was built in 1963 and named the Garden of the Cross. Upon the 1964 death of Francis C. Vanderbur, his body was entombed in the Garden of the Cross and his son ordered the construction of a cross on the mountain that would be visible to his widowed mother, Pearl Vanderbur, from her Denver home. Dwight Johnson, vice president and lighting engineer for Sturgeon Electric Company, was assigned the job. The cross was 390' tall and 254' wide and its 20,000 watts of fluorescent light were easily seen from Denver when it was illuminated in 1964. The Olinger Cross took first place for Johnson in the International Lighting Competition in New York in 1965. In 1967, the Mausoleum of the Cross was built at the top of the mountain.

Mourning Gorilla holds on to body of her baby...

AP Photo/Frank Augstein

Mourning gorilla holds on to body of her baby

click above for story

So, what do we feel here? The WHOLE of Germany is mourning the loss of this baby. But yet, how many human babies have died in Germany in the past 4 days? How many of those babies will be mourned by the whole of Germany? How many of those babies will even be given a second thought by a stranger? Care to know my honest feelings? I am a human mother that has lost a child, and even though I can't feel what this gorilla mother is feeling, I can only imagine her pain and grief. I am sure that it is real. This is the world we live in...

Thanks, Tasha...

Ok, my friend Tasha got me into the series of books...Now before I start, let me say, YES, they are geared towards teenage girls, I will even go so far to say, The Harry Potter for girls...I have read all four books within a two week time frame. (I wanted to screen them before Anna started them...yeah, thats my story...) That includes her new book, The Host, also...

I have waited to see the trailer for the movie Twilight, until after I finished the book. The actor playing Bella, in my opinion is right on...That is exactly how I pictured her...But Edward? No way! Could we not have found a better looking guy. Somebody that takes your breath away? Come on girls, am I wrong? Maybe he will grow on me?

I know who would have played a great Edward...Bryan Fisher! Anna thinks so too. He plays Jason on the George Lopez show.

Know who else would have played a good Edward? Zac Efron...

Natalie's First Day in 3RD GRADE...

Can't get Chase and Anna to pose for the first day of school anymore...darn!

But I still hold the power over Natalie...

About her first day...?

On a scale of one to ten...she gave it a 100.

Thrills...

Some people have expressed to me that I must be crazy, getting a tattoo, giving away a kidney, and the latest, jumping from an airplane at 12,500 feet. My friend Ali, said, 'I'm not even going to try to stop you, because the more I do, the more determined you are to do it...' Ditto with the husband. He thinks I am going through a midlife crisis...HA! Here is my explanation: The pain of losing Maddux, has never eased. I have just become a stronger person to carry that pain. I am an incredibly strong person. I do not fear death. Death will come to every one of us. There is nothing you can do to stop it. I have a strong faith. I know what I know. I also know that when I die, I will meet my Maker and be reunited with my son. How bad could that be? I want to live life to the fullest, and I want my kids to do the same. I hope one day, they jump out of an airplane. I would even jump with them. Maybe for their 18th birthdays, that will be my personal gift to them. A one way plane ticket...

So, what is the point to my story? I have experienced a great loss. I have been thrown into a bottomless pit. I am not just happy trying to climb out inch by inch. On the days when it seems like I am at the top of the pit, I want to feel alive! I want to feel something more, than knowing, tomorrow I could be back at the bottom again. I want to experience things, I would have never thought to experience. Make sense? And I so appreciate those that are standing beside me, on this journey. Even if I make you shake your head in disbelief.

Now, How do I get Ali and Mike to make the jump with me again?

D'Evelyn High School

Chase and Anna have finally made the lottery for D'Evelyn High School...

Yeah!!!

Been there, done that...What's next?

Ok, when I turned 40 last September, I said to Sam, "hey wanna go skydiving with me?" Never really thinking that she would say yes...Not even really thinking she would take me seriously...! Well 11 months later, we were still trying to get together to do this. (I really thought she had forgotten) Well, while in her office, for a meeting one day, she said to me..."Hey, what are your plans this weekend?" I said, "Not much, how about you?" She said "Oh, you and I are skydiving, and I am not taking NO for an answer..." I thought, 'Damn, She got me.' Tricky, Sneaky little lady...

Well, here we are:

OMG...What am I thinking?
Upside down in the clouds..
Wow!
NO! My hands were not covering my eyes...
There's a smile...
Look how far down that looks...

And NO, I did not scream!
Still having fun...

My landing...
Sam and I...Victorious!!!

I did it! I jumped from a plane at 12,500 feet. We fell for 46 seconds at 123 miles per hour. Then gently glided down to earth for 4 minutes. What a thrill! If you ever heard me tell you the story about scuba diving in the Bahamas and the quick lesson I got in the bottom of the pool?...My lesson with skydiving, well, I don't even think I could call it a lesson. Unless, "Are you Cheryl? My name is Nick...Let's go!" was it. Seriously though, for as short as it was, I never had any hesitation. How can you really hesitate when you are strapped to the chest of some guy? Anyway...What a thrill! Incredible! What could possibly top that? Oh, yeah, I know...Learning how to jump solo...I am going to send my poor husband to the loony bin...

http://expressionsphotos.blogspot.com/2008/08/i-had-to-do-it.html

This is the link to Sam's Youtube skydiving video...

(I can't figure out how to get mine to load...)

Today is the day...

Mile High Skydiving...

Me and Sam...

No, I do not have a death wish...

Although some of my friends think that...

Kiddos won't be going. Chase has been volunteering all day with a Marathon in Idaho Springs, and the girls are with friends. I don't think it would be wise to have Nats there anyway...She really crys too much. I could just see her tiny arms and legs wrapped around me, begging me not to go. How could I deny her? Oh, wait...let me rethink this????

If Mickey can do it...

I can do it...

Meeting Baby Mason

Nat and Mason
Anna and Mason
Elijah, Anna, Mason and Nat.

It was so nice to meet baby Mason for the first time a few weeks ago. We had our monthly angel play date with some other moms. I knew this moment, not day, would be hard. Anna, Nat and I raced to the bathroom to wash our hands before holding him. I beat them both!!! Truth be told, I cried when I first held him. It was bittersweet. I smelled his little head, kissed his tiny ear. He was a few months old, now, and was a big baby. Of course, I can't really remember how big my kids were when they were that age. I'm sure Chase was close...
I am so happy for Linda, her husband Kirk and big brother Elijah. I'm sure that angel brother Ethan is looking down with a big smile on his face. Welcome little Mason...

Toronto, and Niagara Falls, CANADA

Mike and I had a beautiful view of Niagara Falls from the Marriott...

The Maid of the Mist

I was able to visit my husband (by myself) in Toronto Canada this past weekend. I flew in on Friday afternoon. We spent Friday night in Toronto, and headed to Niagara Falls on Saturday. Mike and I played some poker at the FallsView Casino on Saturday night. Then did the touristy thing on Sunday. Niagara Falls is extremely beautiful. Extremely powerful. I had a wonderful time. Kiddos were well taken care of by some wonderful friends. Thanks everyone!

Mike and I have only been alone, together, (and I am talking ALONE) for three times, since Maddux died. Ok, four, if you count the day after he died, and we spent the night in a hotel. The other times were in March of 2005 when Mike and I went to Jamaica, then August of 2006 when we were in Boston, and then this weekend in Toronto. I truly enjoy our time together as a couple. We really need this time away. This time together. If you ask me who I am, I will tell you that I am a mother. This is how I define myself. It is sometimes hard for me to break away from this mold. To define myself as a wife, a partner, a friend and a lover. Mike said something to me this weekend, that really has triggered an emotion within me...Here is my husband, my partner, my friend and my lover for nearly 21 years. He told me, this weekend, that he is just starting to see some normalcy return to me, and a sparkle shine within my eyes.

My God, How I love this man...You know I do!

And what an incredible feeling to know that I am so loved in return.