Friday, April 11, 2008

My Portrait Of Grief

I spent the evening with a group of NILMDTS moms last night. We called this an Angel Play Date. You know this term 'playdate...' Most moms are able to get together with their children so the moms can talk and the kids can play. A little interaction...We just had to think outside of that little box. Anyhow...We brought items to share of our babies, and one thing that stood out were our images. One image in particular...Our Portrait of Grief. All of us had one. All of us had not shared this image openly. I have decided to share mine with you, for one last time.

Here is the image of Maddux and myself... I don't think I need to explain this image. The pain on my face is clearly evident. But still you can't see this pain, or hear this pain or even begin to comprehend this pain. You close your eyes and turn away. You cover your ears, and change the subject. I have been honest and open with you. I have shared my son (your grandson, your nephew) Maddux with you. You haven't accepted this gift, that he has given to you. I feel like you have discarded him. Thrown him away. Denied his existence with your own selfish actions! I feel hurt and betrayed by you. If I could take every little piece of him back from you, I would. You don't deserve him.


Lissa Lane said...

Oh beautiful sweet baby boy. This photo broke my heart. I wish so much your beautiful Maddux was with you.

I got your blog address from the Infant loss Blog Directory.

Stephanie said...

've been reading your blog this morning and this is not the only post that has touched me but I chose to post a comment to this one. I am also a Mom to an angel.. actually several but because my babies were lost so early (23 weeks and earlier) I don't have a picture of my grief. You're right, no one, other than those that have walked in our shoes, can see the grief. There aren't enough tears, enough frowns, enough screams,... to illustrate our grief. It's too deep and painful to be photographed.

I wish that I could give your precious boy back to you. I wish that I could give your friend's child back to her. I can't do those things so instead I will pray for you.

As I swallow this lump in my throat and wipe the tears from my eyes, I'll get into my truck to go do a newborn photo session and I'll pray all the way there that this Mother knows just how blessed she is.

Remembering Maddux and all of our angels today.

Shannon Post said...

I also found your blog through the NILMDTS site. I am so sorry for you loss. Your words and the image of you with Maddux are overflowing with grief and I will never be able to know the full measure of your grief. I am a new affiliated photographer and wanted to know how to not say the wrong things or hurt the parents that I am trying to help. Your honesty is amazing and I am again so sorry for you and your family's loss.
You are in my thoughts and prayers. You have a beautiful family!
Sincerely, Shannon