Ugly Shoes

I am wearing a pair of shoes. They are ugly shoes, uncomfortable shoes. I hate my shoes! Each day I wear them, and each day I wish I had another pair. Some days my shoes hurt so bad that I do not think I can take another step. Yet, I continue to wear them. I get funny looks wearing these shoes. They are looks of sympathy. I can tell in others eyes that they are glad they are my shoes and not their shoes. They never talk about my shoes. To learn how awful my shoes are might make them uncomfortable. To truly understand these shoes you must walk in them. But once you put them on, you can never take them off. I realize that I am not the only one who wears these shoes. There are many pairs in the world. Some woman are like me and ache daily as they walk in them. Some have learned how to walk in them so that they don't hurt quite so much. Some have worn the shoes so long that days will go before they think about how much they hurt. No woman deserves to wear these shoes. Yet, because of these shoes I am a stronger woman. These shoes have given me strength to face anything. They have made me who I am. I will forever walk in the shoes of a woman who has lost a child.
~author unknown~

This Womens Work-Kate Bush

Pray God you can cope. I stand outside this womans work, This womans world. Ooh, its hard on the man, Now his part is over. Now starts the craft of the father. I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I should be crying, but I just cant let it show. I should be hoping, but I cant stop thinking of all the things I shouldve said, That I never said. All the things we shouldve done, That we never did. All the things I should've given, But I didnt. Oh, darling, make it go, Make it go away. Give me these moments back. Give them back to me. Give me that little kiss. Give me your hand. (I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left. I know you have a little life in you yet. I know you have a lot of strength left.) I should be crying, but I just cant let it show. I should be hoping, but I can't stop thinking of all the things we should've said, That were never said. All the things we should've done, That we never did. All the things that you needed from me. All the things that you wanted for me. All the things that I should've given, But I didnt. Oh, darling, make it go away. Just make it go away now.

Haggard Children 'Mug Shots...'

Our Bear that represents

our baby Maddux

He was made out of one of Maddux's blankets.

Natalie Anne-2nd grade 'Mug Shot...'

Terror on two legs...

Do not know how she has kept this blonde hair so long,

coming from a family of burnettes...

She is always on the go...Never stops.

Such a sweet heart. Everybody who knows her loves her...

oh, yeah, she is almost as tall as Anna...

Chase's official 8th grade 'mug shot.'

I can't explain to you about the hair...

It's like a Samson Complex...

Last hair cut he got, the girl, (not my girl) chopped it.

He is now afraid of sissors...
Here is Anna's official 6th grade 'mug shot'.

I have to tell you, I think she is just beautiful!
Let me tell you about her personality...Sweet, gentle, ornery, mean.

All her teachers love her. She really is a good girl. With a kind heart...

Mike says she is just like me...

How could Mike and I create such beautiful children?

Infant Loss Awareness

My friend Rayna', and an affiliated photographer for Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep.

Very Powerful Statement!

Help me raise funds for NILMDTS

click pictures for larger image
October is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Month. I have never been good at asking for money. My children never do any fundraising for school or sporting events. Never go door to door selling magazines or wrapping paper. But what do you do when you believe so much in a cause, and you have to raise awareness, and you have to fundraise?

Last year I sent out awareness letters to alot of family and friends. Some donated, most didn't. I will still send out cards this year to the same family and friends. They may not donate, but I will continue to raise awareness. Here is a new approach I am taking. I am going to try to blog a fundraising request also. I know alot of people read blogs. Please take the time to read the message above, and if the mission of Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep touches your heart, please consider donating to the foundation. Remember that all photographers are volunteer. They donate their time and services to these families. Please click HERE for online donations. Or you can send a check to:

The Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep Foundation
7800 S. Elati St. #111
Littleton, CO 80120

All donations are tax deductible and you will be sent a receipt.
Thank you for reaching out.
Cheryl Haggard

CoFounder NILMDTS
When you do donate, please send me an email

so I can personally thank you.

cherhag@nilmdts.org

Finding My New Normal:

I found these quotes, don't know who started them, but I have taken the liberty of changing quite a few of them and adding new ones, to fit my needs personally.

Finding My New Normal

Normal for me is waking up every day, praying that this is all a bad dream.
Normal for me is going through my day, knowing that this is not what I had planned.
Normal is having tears waiting behind every smile knowing that someone important is missing from all the important events in my family's life.
Normal is pulling out images of my older children, at the age Maddux would be now, and trying to imagine who he would look like and what he would be doing.
Normal is having new friends, that also share a similiar loss, because all of my 'old' friends have stopped calling, because they don' know what to say.
Normal is seeing a bouquet of beautiful flowers, and then when I smell their fragrance, I am reminded once again of Maddux's death.
Normal is feeling like I can't sit another minute without getting up and screaming.
Normal is not sleeping very well because a thousand 'what ifs' and 'why's' go through my head constantly.
Normal is reliving the day Maddux died continuously through my eyes, mind and heart.
Normal is having those closest to me, tell me to 'get over it. Life is for the living.'
Normal is having the TV on the minute you walk into the house to have noise, otherwise the silence is deafening.
Normal is staring at every baby who looks like he would be Maddux's age and then thinking of the age he would be now and not being able to imagine it.
Normal is every happy event in my life always being backed up with sadness lurking close behind because of my broken heart.
Normal is telling the story of Maddux's death as if it were an everyday common place event, and then seeing the horror in someone's eyes at how awful it sounds, and yet realizing it has become a part of my "normal".
Normal is each year coming up with the difficult task of how to honor Maddux's memory and his birthday and survive those days, trying to find the balloon or remembrance card that fits the occasion. Happy Birthday? Not really...
Normal is wondering who I am going to upset, because of his memory.
Normal is my heart warming and yet sinking at the sight or sound of something special that reminds me of Maddux.
Normal is having some people afraid to even mention Maddux's name in fear of upsetting me.
Normal is making sure that others remember him.
Normal is that after Maddux's death, everyone else goes on with their lives but we continue to grieve his loss forever.
Normal is weeks, months and years after his death, the grieving sometimes gets worse, not better.
Normal is having those closest to me, not understand that.
Normal is listening to people compare events in their life to your loss. Losing a parent or grandparent is horrible, but having to bury your own child is unnatural. And, let's not talk about pets...
Normal is trying not to cry all day, because I know my mental health and my family's survival depends on it.
Normal is realizing that I do cry everyday and it is ok.
Normal is being impatient with everything and everyone.
Normal is feeling a closeness and common bond with friends on the internet in England, Australia, Canada, the Netherlands and all over the USA, but never having met any of them face to face.
Normal is a new friendship with another grieving mother, talking and crying together over our children and our new lives.
Normal is not listening to people make excuses for God. "God may have done this because..." I love God. I know that Maddux is in Heaven, but hearing people try to make up excuses as to why babies are taken from their mothers is not appreciated and makes absolutely no sense to me.
Normal is being too tired to care if I paid the bills, cleaned the house, did the laundry or if there is any food in the house.
Normal is wondering this time whether I am going to say I have three children or four. Yet when I say I have three children to avoid the situation of explaining his death, I feel horrible as if I have betrayed Maddux.
Normal is wondering if Maddux's grandparents say they have five grandchildren or six.
Normal is asking God why he took my child's life instead of mine?
Normal is feeling that only death can take away my pain.
Normal is knowing I will never get over Maddux's death. Not in a day, nor the rest of my life.
Normal is hiding all the things that have become "normal" for me to feel, so that everyone else around me will think I am "normal."
Normal to me is thinking that you think I am crazy or that I've 'lost it.'

My friend Sarah sent this to me. I wanted to share this:
"Cheryl.. someone sent this to me on a scrapbook page, and I thought of Maddux....~Sarah"

"When God wants something great done in this world, He doesn't dispatch a legion of avenging angels; Neither does He call forth a whirlwind nor ignite the fuse of volcanic fireworks; No commandeneering of troops into to battle nor discharging zealous crusaders to holy causes; He does not orchestrate the hurst and boom of thunder nor display His fiery arrows' majesty across the sky to bring His purpose to pass. When God wants something done in this world...He sends a baby and then...He waits.
- Anita Robertson

In Remembrance 9/11

We hang our flag today in Honor and Remembrance of those who lost their lives September 11, 2001. We also hang our flag today, to remind others that our country is still at war, and to thank those who have lost their lives and continue to risk their lives to protect ours. I personally want to say thank you to their families also. They too, have sacrificed much.

In Peace,

The Haggard Family