Monday, October 6, 2014

Day 6: Books

Day 6: Books
I would honestly have to say, the book that had the biggest impact in my healing was by Dawn Siegrist Waltman, titled 'In A Heartbeat.' Her quote, "In a heartbeat, a life is stilled, a dream dies and Heaven becomes amazingly real" had such an impact on me and my spiritual healing. I remember holding Maddux in my arms as his heart stopped beating, just praying that Heaven was real. I couldn't imagine never being able to see him again. And... reading her book and her quote, changed me forever. That is when Heaven became a destination, and not just a place to me. I actually googled her, found her phone number and called her and told her what an impact she had in my healing. 

Sunday, October 5, 2014

Day 5: Journal

Day5: Journal


My life has been an open book since Maddux died, and the creation of Now I Lay Me Down To Sleep. I wanted other parents to know they were not alone. It was important for me to share my story with those who would listen, and I in turn asked other parents about their loss. One thing I had that they didn't? Beautiful photographs. I could see it in their eyes whe...n I showed them Maddux's image. I could see it in their tears when they said they wish they had a photograph of their baby.

I started journaling right after Maddux died on paper. I didn't want to forget a single thing. I am amazed now when I go back and read some of my entries and think "Oh my gosh...I forgot about that!" After awhile, I started online journaling through a blog and the NILMDTS forum. I would always print out what I typed, so I had a hard copy.

So today, when I got out my old journal, and started flipping through it, imagine my amazement when I found an entry written by my daughter Anna from 2010. Tears are in my eyes as I read her entry, and my entry previous to hers. Even now as I type this.

A journal is such a healing tool, and every parent I talk to, I suggest keeping one. A mind can be very forgetful, and protective.

Here is just a bit of what she wrote: "Dear Maddux, Today I stumbled across this journal while I was in the office. I've never in my life felt this much heartbreak for mom. I read the last entry and she was talking about how she wants to see you again and join you in Heaven. Me too..."

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Saturday, October 4, 2014

Day 4: Now


Day 4: Now
Who am I now? I am compassion. I am empathy. I am your shoulder to cry on. I am your ear when you need someone to listen. I am your voice, when you don't have one. I am a fighter. I am a survivor. I am a wife. I am a mother. I am a daughter. I am a sister. I am an aunt. I am a friend. I am still broken, but I am held together by all who are in my life. There will always be a part of me missing, and his name is Maddux.

Friday, October 3, 2014

Day 3: Before


Day 3: Before
Who was I before Maddux died? I can hardly remember. It seems like a lifetime ago. I remember being that person who took things for granted. I was thankful all my children were healthy, and used to joke that I could carry a baby like a champ. I was meant to be a mother. I had a few people in my life who had lost their babies, and I was thankful that I wasn't one of them. I felt sorry for them, but never understood the full realization... that their 'baby' had died. That they had lost a piece of themselves. I felt that by just knowing someone who had lost a child, was close enough to me, that I felt immune. I had it all, and I think that was all that mattered.
Then Maddux died, and I was blindsided. My world stopped. And I was in a dark place. How did this happen? I remember thinking if I couldn't be a mother to him, I didn't want to be a mother to anyone. I was broken.

Thursday, October 2, 2014

Day 2: Heart

I remember so very clearly after Maddux died, I could not stop crying. I would go to sleep crying, and I would wake up crying. One place of refuge for me was the shower. I would turn the water on as hot as it would go, and just cry. I enjoyed the pain. The pain reminded me that I was still alive, when I felt so dead inside. This image was taken this am, in the shower.
I have done some editing to the image so you can see the darkness I sometimes feel
in my grief and pain.

Wednesday, October 1, 2014

Day 1: Sunrise

Day 1:  Sunrise
First time participating in this event hosted by CarlyMarie..  
This was taken in Evergreen, Colorado at 7:02am. #CAPTUREYOURGRIEF

Monday, October 28, 2013

Guess who got accepted to KU?

Friday, October 25, 2013

Just a couple of Anna's Senior Pictures.  Isn't she beautiful.  Thank you to Dominique of Fall Child Photography in Colorado for photographing her and having a lot of fun with the locations!

Tuesday, August 21, 2012

One of my favorite photos...

My husband and I.

A Junior and a Sevie...

First day for Anna and Natalie.
Anna got her drivers license a couple weeks ago and this 
is her new 'ride.'

Baylor or Bust...

Got the boy off to college last week.  Can't believe it has been exactly one week ago today, he and I were on our way to Texas.  My, how time flies.  Parents, don't blink...

 Chase getting his book order.
More shopping in Waco
Chase's home away from home...
 Necessary items
 Our Costco run
Natalie and I decorated his car.  People on the road HAD to know where we were headed!

Thursday, May 17, 2012

NILMDTS webcast

NILMDTS is now doing webcasts.  Check it out.